I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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