you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
