If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
