The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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