No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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