omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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