i don't like sucking hair
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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