I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
