You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
