Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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