she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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