Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
