Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
