Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am naked and annoyed.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize