Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
