My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
