On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
