i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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