True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
