I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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