yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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