So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
