How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
