I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
