doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
