How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize