At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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