My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
