I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize