I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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