i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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