you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
