I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We were destined to go to rehab together
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm bleeding and have questions
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
