I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
