fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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