Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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