I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
