you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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