I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The Olympian is in my bed
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize