I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
