Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
