when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
don't judge my taste in strippers
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
