Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
