I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
