remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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