Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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