Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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