No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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