Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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