dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
