he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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