You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
