I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
