I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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