nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I want her autograph on my taint
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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