dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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