Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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