Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Two words: blizzard sex
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
