Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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