he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
