so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
