Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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