Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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