if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
