So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize